"Testimony Continued"

Over the years following my profession of faith I began to develop a very judgmental and defensive outlook on life. I assessed my walk with Jesus based on my intellect and the inconsistencies I saw in others. Sadly, I cared more about them conceding to me in an argument then for their salvation. There was zeal, some knowledge and desire, but I lacked faith, hope, and love even though I spoke frequently about these things. I was proud, arrogant and shamefully self involved, almost to the point of a hermit at times. There was anger and malice always building up in my heart yet most people thought me humble, quiet and laid back.

When I was 14 years old I had a seizure for the first time on Halloween day, and then another one the following summer as I was boarding a plane for Scotland. Because of this I missed a trip to Glasgow and became fully enraged at God. I only had seizures every once in a while when extremely stressed and combined with other things like lack of sleep or food, but to me it was more than I should have to bare. After all, I believed weakness to be ok in others but it wasn't for me.

While I was attending community college I made friends with some Pentecostals who prayed for me and declared me well during a healing service. My study of God's word rapidly diminished and I declared those who preach doctrine as hypocrites and dividers. My emotions and my experiences filled in the void left by the removal of study and reason. Being proud like I am, I of course felt the need to appear more spiritual than others, so I spoke in tongues and thought it quite real because of the emotional high I would get, much like when singing or fasting for long periods of time. For a time this was enough for me, but then I had another seizure and grew very resentful again. This time I opted for a more "concrete" sort of escapism. I experimented with drugs, eastern philosophy, sexual approval, gnosis, asceticism and tried to disprove God's word. Finally, even after all the disappointment and evils that come with this lifestyle, I just declared myself righteous and enlightened and had the attitude that nothing really mattered. 

When I was 28 years old I started reading Sproul and Lutzer, and God used these men, along with my mom, god mother and John MacArthur to help me realize that God only owed me justice. I realized I was a sinner, who didn't have God on some legal loop hole because I had walked forward at church when I a kid. I realized that Jesus Christ was the only Way and that the call was a call to self denial. Since that time He has continued to work in my life, show me the importance of His Word, fellowship with other believers, evangelism, my testimony at work and home. The Holy Spirit has guided me toward evangelism in my home, giving me a hunger for the Word and a desire to share with my wife and kids. My desire is that my family will all come to see that there is nothing in this world that compares to God, nothing of enough value here to trade for a relationship with Him. I want our honor to be that God was glorified.