"Can I Get A Witness"

My testimony is not that I had never heard of God and so lived as one without Him; it is rather that I heard a great deal about God even from my earliest recollections. My mother brought us up in church and the stories of Jesus stirred me even then to the point that I wished to walk forward and make my profession of faith in Him. I understood at the time that I was a sinner according to Romans 3:23 and that Christ had come to pay for my sins. In Matthew 9:12 and 13, I learned that God did not come to save the righteous, but those he knew were sick and needed a physician. So I believed that to some degree I was also sick and in need of God's grace. This was only the beginning though. It was not until many years later that I began to see how sick I was.

Over the years following my profession of faith I began to develop a very judgmental and defensive outlook on life. I assessed my walk with Jesus based on my intellect and the inconsistencies I saw in others. Sadly, I cared more about them conceding to me in an argument then for their salvation. There was zeal, some knowledge and desire, but I lacked faith, hope, and love even though i spoke frequently about these things. I was proud, arrogant and shamefully self involved, almost to the point of a hermit at times. There was anger and malice always building up in my heart yet most people thought me humble, quiet and laid back.

When I was 14 years old I had a seizure for the first time on Halloween day, and then another one the following summer as I was boarding a plane for Scotland. Because of this I missed a trip to Glasgow and became fully enraged at God. I only had seizures every once in a while when extremely stressed and combined with other things like lack of sleep or food, but to me it was more than I should have to bare. After all, I believed weakness to be ok in others but it wasn't for me.

While I was attending community college I made friends with some Pentecostals who prayed for me and declared me well during a healing service. My study of God's word rapidly diminished and I declared those who preach doctrine as hypocrites and dividers. My emotions and my experiences filled in the void left by the removal of study and reason. Being proud like I am, I of course felt the need to appear more spiritual than others, so I spoke in tongues and thought it quite real because of the emotional high would get, much like when singing or fasting for long periods of time. For a time this was enough for me, but then I had another seizure and grew very resentful again. This time I opted for a more concrete sort of escapism. I experimented with drugs, eastern philosophy, sexual approval, gnosis, asceticism and tried to disprove God's word. Finally, even after all the disappointment and evils that come with this lifestyle, I just declared myself righteous and enlightened and had the attitude that nothing really mattered.

People are funny though. I have been told at times that because of my testimony and the things I did in sin, that I was more fit to witness to or befriend the more worldly, envelope pushing types, that I associated with in the past. "Why is that?" I ask. Because you have been there they say. I am so tired of that. As Christians we should of all people be above shock value. Do you really believe you can watch someone die because his or her symptoms are different than yours? I have never slept with a man, so does that mean I don't have to love or talk to people who think they are gay? Is my testimony really rested in the evil I have done, or does it rest in the blood of Jesus Christ, who through faith I have received so that His grace will save me from sin's bondage.

- Calvin